Love and the Career-Driven Woman

Tangi Miller stars in and produces the movie ---- Love and othe Four Letter Words, which, "explores successful women and their challenges in finding love."

Excerpted from Charreah Jackson's interview with Tangi Miller in Essence Magazine.

Who needs a groom when you’ve got a wedding planner? There are some women who live for the day they’ll jump the broom and put more stock in the ceremony than a suitable lifetime beau. When Tangi Miller heard the story of a successful acquaintance who planned an elaborate wedding with friends and family but had no future hubby, she was inspired to produce and star in the romantic dramedy, Love and Other Four Letter Words. Essence.com caught up with the veteran actress to discuss the film and what single successful woman can do to find and maintain love.

Essence.com: Congrats on this new film, Tangi! Your character Stormy LaRue lies about her getting married to her grandmother on her death bed. But when grandma lives Stormy fakes an engagement with a hired stripper. What inspired this tall-tale?

Tangi Miller: My friend went to a wedding of a woman I knew in passing. The lady told her family and friends that she was about to get married. People bought wedding dresses, family came to town, she had bridesmaids and there was no groom. She was so together and you never would have thought things would turn out like that. It turned into a comedy in my head from that serious situation.

Essence.com: Wow that is a crazy story! She was there in her dress and everything?

T.M.: Yes girl, there in her dress and delusional with no husband. That story stayed with me and I thought, What would ever make me lie and say I was getting married? And then I thought of my grandmother whose whole thing is seeing me married before she dies.

Essence.com: This film addresses the strong independent woman who looks up to see she has the career and no personal life. What should women take from this?

T.M.: I want to begin a conversation about relationships and love. The grandmother says in the movie, At the end of your days you’re not going to wish you worked extra hours at work. If love is something you want, you definitely need to make it a priority in your life early enough so it doesn’t feel desperate or you are worried about your eggs drying up (laughs)!

Essence.com: (Laughs) Now, are you speaking from experience?

T.M.: Love is one of those things that needs to be on the priority list if you want it to manifest. In my life it wasn’t on my list. It was, ‘I want to go to this country’, ‘I want to do this’ but love was nowhere to be found. And of course, if you don’t put it out there it’s certainly not going to happen. I’ve had actresses say to me, ‘I just thought it would happen, and it never happened, and I’m 50 and I don’t want it to happen to you.’ It’s a real thing. It’s wonderful to grow with somebody and find a life partner, so there is a reason to stay.

Essence: And the life partner for Stormy turns out to be her childhood friend Reverend Arnold “Peanut” Peterson [played by Flex Alexander] from back home.

T.M.: There’s a Peanut in my life now and had I been open to the situation, prepared and appreciative of that, I would be married now. I think we run for our careers. That’s not a bad thing, but we need to be aware and say to our daughters, what there is to expect at the end of the day because you might want to walk with a Peanut. My sister married her high school sweetheart and they have three children together and grew together. It’s beautiful and rare. It’s definitely not for everyone but should be on the mind, on the radar with your dreams. I believe there is a way to have it all. You just have to plan it right.

Essence: How was it working with Flex?

T.M.: Oh my gosh, you just want to marry him for real. He is the bomb and so wonderful. He is that guy. Shanice is so lucky. We did the movie with a low budget and he never complained. He’s a beautiful spirit and a great leading man.

Essence: In the film you also include some meddlesome cousins who stir up trouble and would love to bring Stormy down a notch. How do you manage those people in your life?

T.M.: Those haters that love you but you don’t really know where to put them? (laughs) You keep them close enough not to kill you but close enough so you know what they are up to. Sometimes they happen to be family so they aren’t going anywhere anyway. The bottom line is people love you, admire you, and envy you all at the same time. It’s a very human thing to be jealous. You just pray on it and pray for that person and wish blessings on their lives.

Essence: You were in wedding dresses twice in this movie. How was that?

T.M.: I felt like I needed to get married to be quite honest. So I was going through a lot but it did make me romanticize about the day that I would do that. I hope and pray we can shine a little more value on relationships with this story. It’s obviously not easy because people aren’t staying together. As a community, we should respect when people try and make that work. Otherwise, in 50 years, what kind of families are we going to have? It’s a serious issue not just for Black people but America. We need to work on relationships.

Essence.com: Now you starred as the lead character and served as the film’s producer . How was it were multiple hats?

T.M.: I was going from ‘So what are we having for lunch?’ to trying to stay in character. Playing Stormy, who was a producer like me, I was going crazy trying to keep up with everything. But it was bananas. As we work on my next film, My Girlfriend’s Back, I am setting it up so I don’t have so many responsibilities when we shoot. People really identify with this story, a woman who is a workaholic and has to re-evaluate her love life and I love that.

Essence.com: So what else do you and Stormy have in common?

T.M.: Ironically about a year or two after beginning the story, my grandmother was on her deathbed, and I said to myself, I wonder if I told her I’m getting married if she would live. This whole story was haunting me. My grandmother passed and I felt compelled to tell this story as a tribute to her and all the old-school mothers who push us in that direction of settling down. If love is something you want make it a priority in your life.

Inside Your Guy's Head

Anka Radakovich takes you inside the mind of men........ Find answers to all those nagging questions you've had, but were afraid to ask!!! Aptly titled Men May Be Dogs but We Love Them Anyway, you can thank Anka later.

Men can't resist the tease.
There's no sexier surprise for your guy than when you dance seductively, slowly undress or wear lacy underwear — anything that stimulates him visually. This sexual tension drives him wild, because his mind races, imagining what's coming next. Feel shy dancing around in your bra? You should know that men don't notice your so-called flaws when you're turning them on. In this situation, your guy has a one-track mind, and it stays focused on how hot you are. So the next time you undress, take it slow. Toss your clothes at him as you go. That's all it takes to drive him nuts — in a good way.

Men can't help but stare at other women.
It's true: They just can't control themselves. We're the same way when we walk by a window filled with gorgeous shoes — we have to look. It's anthropological; if you look at the mating habits of gorillas, even if they're "pair bonded" (anthropology-speak for gorilla marriage), most males cruise the females and stare when a cute gorilla girl walks by. Your guy's not insensitive, he's just been momentarily possessed by his inner ape.

Men are big kids (and proud of it).
Deep down, all men are big ol' boys. (This explains why so many grown men wear baseball caps.) Their interests are boylike, too. Take his obsession with sports. Most men love anything that involves kicking something, throwing things, or punching other men. Sound like 10-year-olds on the playground to you? Does to me. When you put three or more men together, they bond by yelling at the TV and being idiots to each other. Regressing into childlike behavior isn't just a means of amusing themselves — it's their way of escaping real-life pressures and feeling accepted as they are. There's no point in denying guys time to release their juvenile side. Just be glad they're doing it during boys' night out and not in front of your girlfriends or family!

Men are perverts.
There's no getting around it: Guys are pervs. They think about sex 24/7. And sometimes they daydream about — and look at pictures of — gross stuff or weird moves, moves that they'd never try in a million years. Fact is, men have a higher tolerance for body fluids and outrageous sex acts than we do (it's something about that 10-year-old boy inside each of them — see above). And it's a fact that men's sexual fantasies contain more people than ours do. For the guy who has everything, I always give the gift of porn. It's the one present men never complain about (or return). But if you can't stand the thought of these films, then don't go there. Nothing is less sexy to a man than a woman who's uncomfortable. Guys may be turned on by the visuals in porn, but trust me, they'd rather have the real, in-the-flesh deal anytime.

Personally, I am pro-porn: Watching together can add zing to a long-term relationship. But the problem with most porn is that it's still mostly geared toward male fantasies. So look for titles by female directors, like Candida Royalle, who create videos with hot guys and plotlines that reflect women's fantasies. Don't worry if your man will like them, too: If they show skin, he will.

Men would love to cheat.
That doesn't mean they will, though. Luckily, they're either too guilty, too shy or too scared. Hey, it's biology: They see, they want, they fantasize. Men are not by nature monogamous animals, and they often have to fight their sexual urges, which many do very successfully. If a guy could live his perfect fantasy life, he would have a wife and a new fling whenever he felt like it. (While women look for that one "special" guy, men look for those five "special" girls.) Fifty percent of men say that if there were zero percent chance you'd find out, they'd cheat. But that also means 50 percent wouldn't — even if there were no danger of getting caught. Many men say that when they've had the idea, they nix it because they wouldn't want to mess up the good thing they've got at home. Smart guys.

Men want us to worship them.
Every man has a bit of Donald Trump in him. They want us to think they're strong, successful, and sexy. Most men would never admit this, but they'd like to think they're slightly smarter than the woman they're with. Yet they have no problem with the woman being 10 times better-looking than they are (that strokes his ego even more). Ultimately, they'd settle for just being able to do one thing better than us. I think it's because, privately, they know we're the superior sex.

Men love oral sex.
What do men want more of in bed? When I conducted a survey asking 100 men that question, 80 percent of them said, "More oral sex." Specifically, they wanted to be on the receiving end. Why do they love it so much? They don't have to worry about technique, and we do all the work (they're kinda lazy). Guys say the best treat a woman can give them is oral sex in the morning. Forget scones — this is his idea of breakfast in bed.

Men don't take hints.
When men are with other men, they don't tiptoe around each other and drop subtle suggestions. That's because hints don't register with guys. We women pride ourselves on being able to know intuitively what our friends, husbands, and kids are thinking, but men have no interest in reading minds. That's why one thing I've learned from men is, "If you don't ask, you don't get." In relationships, I don't expect a guy to know exactly what I want — and whenever I do, I'm disappointed. If, for example, you want him to take you out for your birthday, you're wasting your time dropping hints like "Guess what day Friday is? It's someone's birthday!" If you do that, you'll be 80 before he takes you out. And while you're at it, don't hint about wanting a gift that's shiny and lasts forever: To him, you've just described a set of Emeril pots and pans.

Men love their penises.
Man's best friend is actually his penis. And he assumes it's our best friend, too. After all, like a dog, it's always happy to see us, enjoys being petted, and often rubs itself against our legs. And have you noticed that guys are so intimate with their members that they often create pet names for them, including Mr. Friendly, Bob's Big Boy, and the ever-so-subtle Thruster?

While women have internal, squishy accommodations, men are equipped with external, throbbing reminders of the biological imperative to "spread the seed." Every time they look down at their tools standing at attention, they remember that their penises are there for a reason — to conquer the planet. That's why they've built so many monuments in the penis's likeness. The phallus is represented by erected symbols of power worldwide, from the Eiffel Tower to the Empire State Building.

Women don't make a big deal about what we have going on downstairs because we're too busy worrying about the size and shape of our other body parts. But men are obsessed with size. I live near a cactus store, and every time I walk by with a guy, he points to the biggest cactus in the window and says, "There's my size!" Do I believe them? No, because when men pull out the ruler — and they do — they almost always round up. If you ask a dozen men what the average length of an erect penis is, they'll say eight inches. But if you ask a dozen women, they'll say it's four inches. Bottom line: No matter how small it is, tell him it's huge. If it's too big, tell him just that. Trust me — he'll take it as a compliment.

Men don't get Valentine's Day.
Most guys consider February 14 a "chick holiday." And it stresses them out: They don't know what's expected, what they should buy, and how much (or how little) they should express their feelings. They're not incapable of romance, they just hate being romantic on cue. Just tell him, "V-Day is Friday. Let's go out for dinner." If you remind him when it is and let him off the hook for some of the standard requirements, he's more likely to deliver some creative romance of his own.